Charlie Plays Jake Pays
by Marie S Zachary
Summary: Charlie really messed up and now Jake is paying for it. Can Alan set things right or will it be too late
1. Charlie's Bad

Disclaimer: I don't own Two And A Half Men

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It all seemed like a normal day in Alan Harper's life but that was only until Charlie came in.

"Alan," he said, "We need to talk."

"Is something wrong," Alan asked.

"Well... I just found out something very interesting about Jake."

Alan sighed.

"What did he do," he asked.

"Nothing," Charlie said, "That's the point."

Alan sat up straighter.

"Okay I'm a little confused," he said.

Charlie sat down.

"It turns out that Jake's recent behavior is my fault," Charlie said.

"Now I'm **very **confused," Alan said, "How is his behavior your fault?"

"Well it's like this. I was dating his teacher," Charlie began.

Alan groaned.

"Again? Charlie did you learn nothing from the nut job teacher from heck incident?"

"Anyway," Charlie said, "I ended up breaking up with her. As it turns out she was angry with me and took that anger out on Jake which is why he got in trouble last week and that's why he's been behaving so badly lately."

As if on cue Jake stormed in and slammed the door.

"We'll talk about this later," Alan hissed to his brother, "Jake come're a sec buddy."

Jake trugged over to his dad and slumped down.

"Uncle Charlie tells me Miss Hawk has been really mean to you unfairly. Is that true?"

"Yeah but whatever. It doesn't matter," Jake mumbled.

"It sure as ham sandwiches **does **matter," Alan said, "Honey why didn't you tell me?"

"Cause," Jake said, "You were going through a tough week so why should I bother you with my petty problems."

"Jake," Alan said, "You are my son and I love you. Your problems are not petty. You're problems matter to me because you matter to me. If I had known what was going on I would never have gotten on your case for the way you were acting. I didn't know **why **you were acting the way you did and I assumed you had no good reason. Now I am going to go down to your school and have a long talk with Miss Hawk."

"DAD NO," Jake exclaimed, "SHE'LL JUST PICK ON ME MORE THEN SHE ALREADY DOES."

"That's not going to happen," Alan reassured his son, "I'll make sure it doesn't."

"She calls me dumb. She makes me stay to erase the blackboard and clean up the whole room. She's even acted hurtful at times," Jake said, "How can you make sure it doesn't happen?"

"Jake," Alan said, "Trust me. I'll make sure it doesn't happen. Now go play your video games for a little while and then me or Uncle Charlie will take you shopping."


	2. Think Before You Act

As Jake left the room Alan looked at Charlie.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU," Alan snapped at him, "SERIOUSLY DO YOU HAVE ROCKS IN YOUR BRAINS!"

"Okay I know this seems bad," Charlie said, "But in my defense Miss Hawk is **hot**."

"Then give her a glass of water," Alan replied, "You don't go and do what you did. Don't you care about Jake."

"I do. My pecker doesn't always care though."

"Charlie you are NOT funny," Alan said, "Do you have any idea what this could have amounted to? Maybe your pecker should learn to shut up sometimes."

"Whatever. I'm going to the store. Do you want anything from the supermarket?"

"Yeah. Pick up some ASSADOFIOLIOUS milk and organic pretzels," Alan said.

"Sounds like a real party," Charlie mumbled.

"Hey it promotes intestinal health," Alan said.

"Intestines are something I'd rather not think about," Charlie said.

"Why are you afraid of the human body," Alan asked.

"I'm not afraid of it," Charlie said, "I'm grossed out by it."

"Look Charlie," Alan began

"Hey. You might like complicated. I don't."

"Charlie the human body isn't complicated. It's beautiful. It keeps us alive"

"Our soul is what keeps us alive Alan."

"Fine but it's our BODIES that get aroused," Alan combated.

"Can't argue with you there," Charlie admitted.

"I need you to watch Jake tomorrow," Alan said, "I'm going to speak with his teacher."

"Good luck," Charlie muttered, "The woman is a freak. Speaking of women I need your advice."

Alan snickered.

"Just what is so funny," Charlie demanded.

"I just never thought you'd be coming to me for advice about women," Alan said.

"Yeah well this woman is different. Her name is Amelia and she is perfect. The thing is she doesn't do rough. She likes sweet and gentle and really I don't know how to do sweet and gentle. It a new ball game for me."

"Charlie it's easy. You don't have to... make a person feel bad to make her feel good. You just need to know the pleasure points. A gentle but firm massage will light up those pleasure points like the tree at Rockefeller Center."

Charlie's eyes widened.

"If you use mint cream it will light the pleasure points up like Jake when he sees pancakes," Alan added.

"If that's true I will **never **get mad again," Charlie said, "By the way why does it bother you when I get mad?"

"Because 1) I don't believe in getting mad and 2) You don't just get mad. You get extreme. You seriously overdo it when you get mad. It's not a game you know. You need to learn to think before you act and don't act UNTIL you think. Sometimes even **I **am too negative."

"Yeah that's probably thanks to mom," Charlie said.


	3. Miss Hawk Has The Upper Hand

The next day Alan went to Jake's school to talk to his teacher.

"Miss Hawk," Alan said, "I would like to speak with you."

"Mr. Harper I'm sorry. I'm busy right now. If you would like you can make an appointment to speak with me."

"No that's alright," Alan said, "I'll just go speak with your boss."  
Miss Hawk sighed.

"I suppose I have a few minutes," she said.

"Good," Alan replied, "I want to talk with you about the way you've been treating my son. It is not my son's fault that my brother broke up with you and I will not have you putting him down or treating him unfairly. Do it one more time and there will be trouble."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Miss Hawk said, "Goodbye"

"Oh you don't," Alan said, "Well maybe a lawsuit would refresh your memory."

"Listen Mr. Harper," the teacher said, "I have tenure so they can't fire me. My parents are loaded so I am really not worried about a lawsuit. Basically you have no avenue to go. So really you're kind of looking at a dead end wherever you look. But I'd be willing to make a deal with you. Convience your brother to date me again and I will cut Jake some slack."


End file.
